


The Mudblood

by LoadofQuaffle (LilahMontgomery)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Fun, Gen, Hogwarts 2015, Muggle Technology, Muggle/Wizard Relations, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-04-20 05:50:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4776008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilahMontgomery/pseuds/LoadofQuaffle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when an outspoken muggle-born starts at Hogwarts: and is less than impressed with the Wizarding world? </p><p>"Huffy-Poof?"<br/>"Hufflepuff."<br/>"Whatever."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

# The MudBlood

#### The Sorting Hat

The Great Hall fell silent as the new first years filed in, ready to be sorted. The other students smiled and pointed to the crocodile line, enjoying the fresh faced wonder as they stared around the beautiful ancient hall for the first time.  


The candles which lit the hall glowed warmly under the enchanted ceiling, which was showing the perfect starry night outside.  


A hush and a feeling of anticipation filled the room.  


A first year girl with long blonde hair and shining blue eyes nudged the boy in front.  


“You look like you know what’s going on…?” She whispered.  


The boy turned and smiled warmly, his auburn hair reflecting red in the soft lighting.  


“No brothers or sisters here, ay?” He asked, keeping his voice low.  


The girl shook her head.  


“We’re being sorted into our houses: Griffendor for the brave and strong, Ravenclaw for the studious and witty, Hufflepuff for the loyal and true, Sytherin for the crafty and clever…” 

The boy had a twinkle in his eye when he nodded to the Hufflepuff table, the girl assumed this was where he was hoping to be put.  


She made a face.  


“What if you’re all of those things? Which should you pick then?”  


The boy chuckled and looked away.  


“The Sorting Hat chooses for you based on your personality, it will know where to put you,” he explained.  


“What are you on about?”  


“Welcome! A new year! A new tale to be told!” The Sorting hat sang from its stool, “and welcome students, new and old! Out of the darkness, a glowing light! It’s Griffendor with courage and might! Ravenclaws work hard and are rewarded- where the brightest of you all will be sorted! With honesty, loyalty and friendship too, Hufflepuff is the house for you! For those with a craftier sense of mind, it’s with Sytherin you will reside! Now on to sorting- let’s make haste- so our welcome feast won’t go to waste- and welcome one, welcome all, to this- the Hogwarts Ancient Hall!”  


There was a great cheer and gleeful applause as the Sorting Hat finished its song, with all but one of the first years starting in awe. 

The one who wasn’t nearly fell over her own feet and managed to catch herself on the auburn haired boy in front.  


“Did that hat just sing a song?!” She exclaimed.  


Headmistress McGonagall stood in front of the stool with the sorting hat, calling out students names one by one. They filed forward and sat on the stool, allowing the Sorting hat to be placed on their heads. 

The hat called out the names of the houses, each table cheering and welcoming their new students.  


“Lila Jones,” McGonagall called.  


The blonde girl stepped hesitantly forward before folding her arms and looking at the Sorting Hat with suspicion.  


“I don’t mind what house you want me in, Miss, but I’m not putting that thing on my head. It looks like it’s covered with rodent diseases!”  


McGonagall stood stock-still, shocked. 

There was a wave of whispering around the hall- some students giggling, others clearly offended on the school’s behalf.  


The girl stood her ground.  


“Miss Jones,” Professor McGonagall began carefully, “the sorting hat has been sorting students into Houses since before I was born! It is one of many noble institutions of this historic school- and one which deserves our respect! Sit down!” 

The last few words had been said in a tone even Lila found it hard to ignore. She unfolded her arms but stayed still.  


“Since before you were born? Was that the last time it was washed too?”  


“Miss Jones, this is not up for discussion.”  


“I really don’t want to put that on my head…”  


“Right: Ten points away from….damn it all! Put the hat on so I know which house to deduct points from!”  


“I’d rather not. Can’t I like, choose one? That boy’s nice, can I sit with him in Huffy-poof?”  


“Hufflepuff,”  


“Whatever.”  


“No you cannot! You are holding up the entire school- hardly a good start, Miss Jones. Now sit down and let the sorting hat sort you…”  


“But, Miss! I really…”  


“Put the bloody hat on, Lila!”  


There was a gasp as McGonagall lost her patience. She stood breathing with exasperation before composing herself. 

The stubborn girl sat begrudgingly on the stool.  


“Fine,” she grumbled, “but if I get cat-flu I’m suing.”  


The professor lowered the hat down onto her head.  


“There’s no such thing as cat-flu.”  


“There’s no such thing as magic either, but hey! Go figure.”  


“Slytherin!” Came the decision from the hat.  


There were looks of confusion and a muted celebration from the far table.  


Lila marched over and sat on the end on an empty seat, rolling her eyes.  


“Thank you to everyone, and welcome to a new school year!” Professor McGonagall addressed the room from the lectern on the stage in front of the staff table.  


Lila observed the snake banner with its sinister colours of green and silver, as well as the sneering looks she was receiving from other members of her house. Keeping her eyes on the reptile motif on the place settings, she nudged the nearest Slytherin next to her.  


“Are we the baddies?” She whispered.  


“I trust this year you will continue to learn and grow, continue to inspire each other and continue to reach new heights of knowledge! Each and every one of you has it within yourselves to make this school proud…” her eyes lingered on Lila, “if you choose to do so… Now then, without further delay- enjoy the feast!”  


The children roared with delight as plate after plate of delicious food magically appeared in front of them. Whole turkeys with all the trimmings sat steaming and magnificent alongside trays and trays of potatoes, vegetables and accompaniments, filling every spare inch of the tables.  


As the other Sytherins tucked in, Lila sat back in her chair grumpily.  


“So I suppose this school isn’t committed to tackling the childhood obesity epidemic which is hitting this country’s youth so hard!” She announced, “Jamie Oliver would not be amused.”  


The students around her stopped eating and eyed her with confusion.  


“Who’s Jamie Oliver?” The question came from a third year girl with dark hair and eyes. Her inquiry was met with nodding and Lila was looked at to answer.  


She rolled her eyes for the third time that day.  


“Who’s Jamie Oliver? OMG, you did not just ask me that!” She snapped, sitting forwards. “Where have you been living? In a cave?”  


The girl blanched at the question.  


“No- I live in Godric’s Hollow…”  


“Never heard of it- I’m assuming it’s in a cave.”  


Lila sat back and used her fork to pick at a piece of turkey.  


“Where’s this bird from anyway? I only eat free range…”  


“What’s that ‘cat-flu’ thing you were worried about on the stage?” a first year boy asked her, moving his chair closer.  


Lila looked down her nose at him dismissively.  


“Well, I’m not sure really. My bother told me about it, apparently you can get it from cats and it’s fatal if you get it bad enough. It spread around his school like Ebola,” Lila explained. 

There was more nodding followed by more confusion.  


“What’s Ebola?”  


“No way!” Lila cried, throwing her fork down and glaring at the blonde second year girl who had dared ask the question. 

She looked from person to person, studying their expressions.  


“Like, you’ve all had your vaccinations, haven’t you? Wizards know about viruses, right? I swear: I’m giving Cat-Flu to whoever gives me measles!”  


There was a collective cry of fear at the prospect of contracting ‘cat-flu’ from the Slytherins, all of whom went back to eating quietly as to not anger Lila. 

 

#### What Do You Mean There's No WiFi?!

“Welcome, Slytherins!” The prefect for Slytherin announced.  


The first years had been led to their new common room under the great lake, light rippling around in a blue ethereal glow.  


The prefect was a tall boy with black, slicked back hair and a look of aristocracy. 

He could have been described as good looking, were it not for the nasty smirk on his face.  


“If any of you have any questions, please feel free to ask,” he offered.  


A few hands went up.  


“When do lessons start?” One girl asked.  


The prefect smiled and informed her lessons would ‘commence’ on Monday morning, giving them the weekend to settle in.  


“Do we eat all our meals in the Great Hall?” A small boy with a stammer asked.  


The prefect informed them the answer was ‘yes’.  


“What’s the WiFi password?” Lila asked.  


The room fell quiet as the students looked at her with confusion.  


“I’m sorry- the what?” The prefect asked.  


Lila let out an exasperated noise and stamped her little feet.  


“You are kidding, right? Like- that’s a joke? How am I supposed to check my social media accounts without a decent internet connection?”  


“Social- what?”  


“That’s it! I’m leaving!” Lila declared, storming off back to the stairs where they had come in.  


“Miss Jones!” The prefect called after her, “Where are you going?”  


“To find some 3G!” Came the angry reply.  


The students exchanged bemused shrugs with several following after her. 

 

## To come Next week:

 

**“Professor McGonagall, some of the Slytherin students were wondering if the Pumpkin Pie is organic?”**  
**“They what?!”**

 

**“The first years are saying that a lack of a secure ‘web connection’ is ‘breaching their human rights’ and ‘stunting their emotional development’. They were wondering if this school wanted them to end up 'destitute and unemployable'...whatever that all means..."**

 

**“I don’t know what to tell you, Headmistress. It’s the sixth case of ‘cat-flu’ I’ve come across this week! I think It's spreading..."**

 

**“Get me the heads of Houses, at once. It’s about time we did something about Lila Jones."**


	2. Chapter 2

# Chapter 2

## Tweeter

Professor McGonagall opened her curtains and took in a deep breath in the morning sunshine.  


She sleepily padded through the corridor towards the great hall, caffeine very much at the forefront of her mind.  


The doors of the Great Hall stood slightly ajar, so she wandered through and down the central gangway to the teacher’s table.  


It was only when she was seated and reaching for the tea pot that she noticed the vast swarm of owls.  


“What on earth!!” She yelled, almost falling backwards off her chair.  


Professor Flitwick giggled, pointing to them.  


“Isn’t it amazing? Modern idea but I must say I like it!” He commented, taking a large bite of toast.  


“What is it?” She asked, pulling her hat back into position on her head and gazing at the swarm circling the hall’s ceiling.  


“It’s the ‘Tweet-as-sphere,” He explained, “The owls take little messages or ‘Twit-Twoos’ which must be two inches of parchment or less. Any owl can be then called down and students can read what other people think about any subject! It’s genius really. Apparently it’s based on a muggle idea on the ‘web’!”  


“What’s the ‘web’?” Professor Drill asked next to him.  


Professor Flitwick sighed and furrowed his brow thoughtfully.  


“I’m not sure. Something to do with spiders I’d have thought,” he reasoned.  


“Spiders ain' no good with messages,” Hagrid stated from across the table, “too many pockets, loose ‘um, you see,”  


Professor McGonagall groaned and rolled her eyes.  


“Why are so many in HERE?” She demanded.  


The teachers looked at each other as if expecting the person to their left to have the answer. After a while, looking was replaced with shrugging.  


Flitwick wrote a little note and held it up for an owl to grab.  


The teachers watched as another owl fluttered down to him, dropping another note in his lap. He opened it and smiled, nodding to himself.  


“Lila Jones,” He replied.  


“I should have known,” McGonagall grumbled, getting up and walking to the Syltherin table. 

Lila sat surrounded by admirers at the end of the dining table, playing with her eggs with her fork.  


“I’m sure their eggs are free range, Lila, they have chickens here on the grounds,” One girl reassured her.  


“Maybe,” Lila answered suspiciously, “But is this pumpkin juice organic? And did we find any freshly squeezed orange?”  


A Slytherin boy leaned across to answer.  


“They said they had to order it in,” he said.  


Lila sighed and took a sip from her goblet, making a face.  


“We’ll just have to pretend every day is Halloween until then,” she remarked distastefully.  


“Miss Jones, a word please?”  


McGonagall was standing a little way away from the table looking very stern. 

Lila rolled her eyes and pushed herself away.  


“Yeah?” She asked.  


“Yes, Professor,” McGonagall corrected, “it’s about the owls. We can’t have this many just sitting in the eves waiting to take messages!”  


“Why not? They’re not doing anything and anyway, the only 3g around here is in that bathroom with the ghost in it. There should be a note on the door you know, had the fright of my life when I first went in there!”  


“There’s 3g in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom?”  


“Myrtle- that’s her! Did you know she died after staff negligence here a while back! She could sue, you know! Phil in seventh year recons she has a case if she had a way of doing it!”  


“Perhaps access to the internet would help?” McGonagall ventured sarcastically.  


“Yeah!” Lila agreed, “You’d better hope she doesn’t have…oh…”  


McGonagall groaned again and shook her head.  


“Lila,” She said in an attempt to collect her thoughts, “I would like a meeting with you on Thursday this week to find out how you’re…settling in. Some of the teachers feel that you miss the muggle world…” She looked up at the owls overhead, “a bit…”  


“I’m not going to lie, it’s an adjustment,” Lila replied.  


“Yes, thought it might be. Well, I’ll see you Thursday…”

## Cat Flu Strikes again

“What nonsense do we have next lesson?” Lila asked, squinting at her timetable.  


“Flying lessons! We’re learning to ride broomsticks!” Alice, a muggle-born from Ravenclaw replied cheerily.  


Lila covered her eyes with her hand and hissed.  


“Of course we do. How fabulous.” She said flatly. 

 

The first years stood in rows with their brooms on the floor, waiting for instructions.  


Madam Hooch explained to put the broom between their legs and kick off- which they all did, apart from Lila and a small black haired boy who looked very ill.  


“Miss Jones- Mr Kilo: what are you doing still on the ground?” The teacher asked testily.  


Lila raised her eyes to the struggling students haphazardly wobbling on their brooms above their heads.  


“Wow. Well as fun as that looks. No. Just no.” Lila answered, sitting down on the grass.  


“I think I have Cat Flu!” The boy said frantically.  


Lila turned to him, concern on her pale features.  


“What are you doing here then?” She snapped, “You should be in quarantine! My brother told me half his school was off within one day of the first person getting ill!”  


“What?” The boy asked, panic stricken.  


“This is nonsense! Utter nonsense!” Madam Hooch dismissed.  


“Says the woman teaching children how to ride cleaning utensils.” Lila countered.  


“There’s no such thing as ‘Cat Flu’,” Madam Hooch argued.  


“Oh yeah? What’s snotty here got then?”  


“A cold!”  


“You’d better hope so, or it’s going to get biblical around here,” Lila warned, walking to the wall and leaning on it.  


“Miss Jones!” Madam Hooch called after her, “Where are you going?!”  


Lila turned to face her, looking grumpy.  


“I’ve unfollowed this conversation.” She explained.  


“What? What does that mean?”  


“Don’t make me block you!”

### To be Continued...

### 


End file.
